MOOP!

I am sad, and it sucks and I don't like it.

Some of it is the usual genocide-other-genocide-plague-climate-disaster background radiation that makes my brain constantly quietly ache. Some of it is the February-work-is-hard-burn-out-where-is-the-sun-and-the-warm background radiation that makes my body sad and tired. Some of it is slightly more immediate and pinpointable Weird-Relationship-Stuff-Where-I-Am-Probably-Not-Doing-A-Good-Enough-Job.

I am anxious and burnt-out and tired and not good enough and it's making me sad.

And I fucking hate that this has been my most productive Saturday in like a century. I put on cute makeup in the morning¹. I ordered more meds. I ran a decent bells practice with only seven people, one of whom had never touched a bell before yesterday³. I socialized with old and new friends (Micah and aforementioned new ringer) and got to take the train home with them. I read an entire book⁴. I attended a zoom meeting for RSCDSBoston teachers and provided insights. I organized my bookshelf (a task that has been on my todo list for over a year). I did the tax.

And I'm still sad. I'm productive sad, and feel better about myself than if I was non-productive sad, probably I guess, but like. I...I don't know. There is an overwhelming amount of Still To Do, I'm not quite finished, and also the part where I'm still Not-Good-Enough so that's cool as shit.

Yesterday I got home after bells and sat up on my staircase for half an hour and cried. I made myself sad with Bad Times Daydreams, a thing I try not to actually indulge, and then I cried, and like...if I hadn't been full of the anxiety and the burnt-out and the tired I wouldn't have been tempted into it in the first place.

And it's eleven o clock at night and I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm actually listening to music⁵, I've already played my daily challenges of Hexcells and Necrodancer, I could read Holes which finally got released from my library holds? I should/could Grundos since I haven't today? I deserve ice cream, or to open a new set of dice or something because I did the accounts?

(I am behind on Dicember, they said, still always acutely aware of the things they Have Not Done, even several months later.)

Productive and Sad is worlds better than unable-to-do-stuff-Depressed, but it's still not joyous. And it's lack of sun and a world that wants me dead and some of that will change in the summer but maybe I am facing a universe where I'm never joyous again. It's not the best thought, though of course because I am immortal I will have to sort out how to deal with it, just like everything else.

("Perhaps I am a miscreation no one knows the truth there is no future here" plays as I write this, and hm and huh and yeah. Sometimes past!Sor made good playlists.)

Anyways, I hope you are able to be joyous. I hope you are able to be as productive as is soothing to your soul, and do not have to be more than that. I hope we can hang out soon and go to a T-station for a selfie (I have not forgotten, it is just still cold).

I love you. I mean that to me as well, even if it doesn't sound like it. I'm allowed to love sad people too, who would be left if I wasn't?

I love you.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I mean, I woke up and as I started to get dressed was hit with so much dysphoria I had to wear a binder on a non-work day, which does not happen I have gone bra-free² and it's great. So it's less cute makeup and more _war paint_ and that's fine, I'm sure it's fine.

2: I still own a handful of "girl bras" which I wear with certain ball gowns some of the time. And I bind for work, and this year it's all real binders instead of sports bras because I made a really big gc2b order last June and now I own like eight binders instead of two. But me tiddies are wee and I like better not particularly compressing them in the day-to-day, it turns out.

3: Okay technically she also had one day of handling at Smith at some nebulous point in the past, but that doesn't count for reasons I'll decide later.

4: Wayside School is Falling Down, which may be the most iconic one, it's certainly where all the chapters I particularly remember/enjoy are: the three chapters 19, the one with Myron becoming Free, the one that's backwards, "I got one sock, looking for its brother", and Star Bringing Purple.

As an aside, the chapters 19 hit _so much different_ now that I am a teacher myself, holy wow.

5: Although it occurs to me that in my current mood, "Between" is not the correct song. What happens if we put "Space Monkey Mafia" on loud instead?

It's been a long series of _very bad_ brain days, with no end whatsoever in sight. Like, there are individual events I'm excited for, but at this point I'm sorta fucked up enough that I don't think I remember how to be generally functional for the times in between. It's...you know. It's the logical conclusion of over a year of pandemic.

Anyways, today was one of those days in which I realized I'd really _badly_ hit the wall and I attempt to make some positive changes. Or at least, if not proper change, at least try and do a few positive things today? I dunno. I walked a lot, and saw some birds. I took a shower. I actually washed the fucking dishes. Progress is slow but existent. Someday I will do grading again, it's been a while.

One of the biggest problems of the immediate past (which was less of a problem up to like Feb/Mar) is that I've completely abandoned the idea of "sleep", which inevitably is leading to everything else being shittier and harder. Lots and lots of just falling asleep at my laptop at weird angles, which is...not helpful for anyone! Significant amounts of bedtime revenge procrastination, where I decide that eleven thirty at night is an excellent time to open up the SCP project and read a few dozen files (it's not). Sigh. My hope for tonight was absolutely to get to bed on time, I did a social instead, but maybe can reach bed by midnight at least?

The fact that it's been a fairly cold May has not helped. As Rey pointed out, it's getting warm enough during the day that the house-heat isn't running as often, and that's fine...during the day. But then we don't have enough of a cushion, and it honestly feels ludicrous to push the thermostat up as we approach summer. I think I would prefer it if we just had a few more warmer days.

Anywho, I am still alive and to the best of my knowledge have not given anyone Covid, so I'm doing as well as can be expected of anyone. More than that is just extra credit at this point.

~Sor
MOOP!

ALRIGHT IT'S 2017!

So, I have this file on my computer from a year ago entitled "REVOLUSTRAVAGANZA". Somehow I am only just now realizing that "rev" is not the start of "resolution" but that's to be understood, since I haven't updated the list since like...apparently April. Huh.

In my defense, I spent a lot more of 2016 in a semi-Depressive state than most of the years prior, prompted in no small part by the minor traumas of losing a job I loved¹, dealing with a serious asshole landlord², and The Election. Usually I just get the drain bamage in the winter, spending much of April-June wanting to sob to pieces in my office was an unwelcome addition.

But separate from that, let's check in and see how I did on things. You can read the original post here.

1) Writing: Ehhhhhnnnnnhhh. I did a significantly spottier job of using 750w in 2016 than in 2015. This is gonna be a common trend by the way, 2015 was an objectively better year all around. I'll see about getting back into the swing of things this year.

2) Making LJ posts or whatever: I certainly haven't been hitting 15 a month, but I've been doing a fair clip, which is great. Apparently in October I posted on over half the days, which is kinda amazing. I'll keep trying to focus energies, I (as always) miss it over here.

3) Backing up the computer: I have been...okay? at this. Currently I'm like 60 days out, which is not so good. I will continue to try and hit once a month.

4) Cull my closet: This did not so much happen. I am not so much good at this.

5) Track bicycle milage: I did an awesome job of this until May, at which point I...got distracted and stopped syncing Eddie³ with Kela⁴, and also stopped using Eddie for a long while. That being said, I managed 1141.84 miles on the bike from January to May, which is a goodly amount, damnit!

((I miss my stupid eight mile commute along the river with the sunrise behind me. Damn but that was good zen-time.))

6) Frivolous bike journey: I did not actually manage. Maybe next year? It's not super a priority.

7) We don't talk about number seven. Being an adult is hard, and I spent a lot of the year in lack-of-meds trauma, which is my excuse for why we don't talk of number seven.

8) Have a job better than substituting for this school year: Well, uh. Huh. Okay, so nannying is objectively better than substituting (it's more consistent, less stressful, and pays better. No benefits, but then, I don't have benefits as a sub either). It's also not what I want to be doing with myself in the long term. Maybe 2017 should be the year where I get serious about finding a *career* again.

9) Five multiday non-dance events: Arisia, Balticon, Gencon, NYFF and.......Marc's Wedding? I don't think that counts. I traveled a lot, but most of it wasn't *events*, per se.

10) Five multiday dance events: Pinewoods x3, NEFFA, and I completely failed to do anything this fall.

11) Do well at current job: Well, they fired me. Like, less than a month after I made this resolution, there began to be Big Conversations and all of January and February was fucking nightmare awful, but I genuinely thought I was doing the work I needed and getting better and it didn't matter. Come the April contract negotiations, I was informed that I would not be invited back.

(My boss was gracious enough to do it at a free period at the end of the day, which means when I went down to my office and sobbed, I didn't have to worry about getting my face back together for students.)

But I think I did a pretty fucking good job of it up until that ending point. The best I could, at least.

12) Give more presents: Ehhh, a little bit? I got weirdly excited and overboard this Christmas with my family (which I like and feel good about, and since I get many things secondhand or discount, I don't feel like I spent too much money or anything), and I feel like I've done a couple good things throughout the year, but not much.

13) Give more presence: I continue to not do well at this, but I've at least been trying? I need to leave way more DW/LJ comments than I actually do, don't I?

14) Less computer time: Weirdly yes? And also very no? It's complicated. When I have other things to do or people to interact with, I'm a lot better at being present and not on the electronicx. When I'm just living my day-to-day life, it's harder. The introduction of pokemon weirded this a lot --I am more likely to have my phone out in public, but also more likely to not be doing anything that takes my attention.

I am probably not allowed to play Skyrim in 2017 either, but I'll re-check this position sometime around June. (Yes, I'm jonesing. Yes, I know there are other similarly good big sandboxy games, but I can't play any of them *either*, not until I can handle myself better.)

15) Emails: I currently have 9851 emails in my inboxen (667 unread). This is not great, but is better than the "well over 10k" I had this time last year. I'll keep poking at it.

16) Wedding planning: Oh gods, I haven't done any of this, and I need to start. Like serously start, since I'll be 28 in eight months. *whimper*

17) Spend time on west coast: With the corollary of "with my boyfriends". This mostly didn't happen. I did visit mek in April, which was excellent, but I didn't actually manage to visit Sparr at all, and things with K˚ are...complicated right now. My resolutions for this year are gonna include "repair some of my relationships and be a better partner".

18) Highland: Nnnnnn? I've been going more often, sure. I competed again (and I'm getting better --previous comp I was solidly 4/4, this one I was solidly 5/7). I'm now up to having *eight* dances clattering around in my head and getting confused with each other. I really want to find the time to film myself doing the best I can at each of them, so I have something to compare with in n months.

As I've mentioned a couple times here, I have no idea why I do Highland. I should unpack that sometime.

19) Craft more stuff: Unfortunately no. I've started drawing again, which is good, but I have really not been doing much in the creation department otherwise. Need to work on that.

(I did sew a tiny Sporran beltpouch at the NH Highland Games --oh hey, that's a multiday dance event!-- this year, because they didn't mind a grownass adult crashing the kids space. It's cute! I made a (very bad) buttonhole!)

So that's that review. It's good to check in with my goals sometimes. Maybe I will make more goals for 2017, and maybe I will actually do a better job of them this year.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: The narrative I have been using (because it hurts less) is that they were looking for a different classroom management style. This is true, but I don't like admitting how much I would've been willing to bend myself to theirs, despite the fact that I am not remotely authoritarian and that seems to be more of what they wanted.

2: Do you wanna know what I love most about my living situation right now? FUCKING EVERYTHING (except going from free in-unit laundry to coin in the basement). I love my new roommates, I love my new house, I love my new landlord, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my non-oil heat. It's a really good thing in a sea of not-so-great.

3: My shipboard computer! (Making the first electronic I've given a dude-name to in ages)

4: Keladry Selbstzucht --my darling laptop, named for the Lady Knight of Mindelan and the German word for self-discipline.

Trigger warnings: Self-harm, depression, anxiety, hope

There on Twitter was a link from The Bloggess, labeled "This is the hardest thing I've ever written". I had to follow --she is too good a writer, too good a person to pass up, and with a tagline like that, well...yeah.

It is a post revealing the fact that she self-harms.

I do it to self-sooth, because the physical pain distracts me from the mental pain.

There was the line that makes my heart break. Because that's why, exactly why. Because you can't destroy the thoughts in your head, so you have to destroy something else, anything else. Because if you hurt yourself enough, you'll have to start spending time fixing it, cleaning up, anything that's not just sitting there trapped in your own thoughts and nothing more.

I don't know that I've ever explained publicly my complicated relationship with insanity and self-harm. ( I think it's high time I did )

So I'm not a self-harmer. I do not, in fact, self harm. But I understand the impulse, I understand the need, I understand every single person out there who has to and why. I understand how fucking hard it is, and I understand that because I've never really been there, with my blood on my hands, I'll never really understand.

But I'll be damned if I stop marking myself when I need to.

The Bloggess dreams of a world where people wear silver ribbons --survivors and supporters of mental illness-- with pride rather than shame. People on Twitter have started posting pictures of their ribbons.

I don't know if I qualify. The only mental fuckery I've actually been established to have is a healthy dose of ADHD. Honestly, I don't think I've got it bad enough to have anything else, not when there are so many more people out there who have so much less cope. But even if I'm not a survivor, I'm sure as hell a supporter.

So here's my ribbon. May you too find the mechanisms you need to keep yourself well.

Much love.
~R.

I know it only very rarely is able to be used, but if you are ever in need of a shoulder, a friend, a reassurance, a place to sob, whatever, you are welcome to contact me. I am on IM much of the time, and when I have a phone, I am always willing to receive calls and help. You are awesome people I know. Stay that way.

Trigger Warnings go both ways: Self injury, depression, and anxiety. And just a little bit of hope.

Plan:

1: Gonna get my books and things and go to Lali's house to work on the incredibly stupid group project for the incredibly stupid class I hate.

2: Going to maybe eat dinner if there's time? Fuck, I have no idea what the plan is. Stupid not-receiving e-mails.

3: Going to maybe go do a thing that is good for my sanity, if I'm really lucky, and timing works out.

4: Eventually I will be home. At home, I should work on: my book report for physics, trying to clean my room more, my Number Theory homework, aforementioned project, catch-up work, finding money via Craigslist, calling mom about financial stuff, proper jobhunting beyond Craigslist, and alternating between clinging and avoiding Ria.¹

5: Stuff I will actually do once I get home: 750words, trying to sort out Things with assorted boys, listen to music, and play Robot Unicorn Attack. You know, highly important and productive things. At the very least, eventually I will have to put everything on my bed onto not my bed. You know, for sleep and stuff.

6: Sleep.

This is not a good plan, but I feel better for having made it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I am in _that sort_ of mood. Which is to say totally introvert-crashed and oversocialed, but also desperately lonely and needing people around. It is not a very nice mood to be in.

So, the other day I was going through old 750words posts and stuff, and pulled out a bunch of things that I thought were worth saying in public.

A lot of them are kinda depressing, because I think words often flow better when they've got a pinch of melancholic to them. But here. It's like a sundries post, only just with things I've written.

Author's notes are in italics

---

There is a boy.
Who likes me and other girls.
And likes me more _anyways_.

***

Being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me is nice, and I love them all for it.

But being loved by someone sweet and devoted to me over other girls is just a whole different realm of exciting. And of course, we don't actually have much of a romantic relationship at all, but still.

I've never been the girl who wins before. It's the scariest damn thing, but gods help me, I like it.

Yeah, this was really startling when I realized it for the first time, and I still kinda refuse to believe it's true.

And of course, there is no "winning" in poly (except maybe making everyone involved in your relationship scheme happy) but there's also not quite a word to express what I mean here. I am perfectly content to be right where I am in all the relationships I'm in --hence the reason I'm in them-- but sometimes it's nice to realize all a sudden that someone thinks you're special enough to set aside a girl who is clearly hotter and more interesting than you are.

---

...then it just hurts more and I am tired of it hurting _more_. Things aren't supposed to keep hurting more. Shouldn't pain level out at some point?

Yes. Yes it should. I think this particular pain might've gotten close to level for now, the problem is just that level is a lot of pain, and so I can only lock it away for so long before it rages at me again.

What, no, I'm not emo, nope.

---

I hate because the only other option is to hurt, and this hurts so bad I'm not sure I can deal.

I don't remember who or what I hate here. Very plausibly myself.

---

And really, if you don't have all your words sorted out beforehand, if you don't know what you're going to say, what's the point of trying to say it anyways? I'm a fucking writer, if I can't put a problem into words, there's probably not much of a problem in the first place.

...and even if I can put it into words, I'm a cynic, and a victim and extremely clever. If I can put it into words, I can figure out arguments against the problem until it no longer exists, or boils down to just me being a tiny idiot. And no one but me can fix me being a tiny idiot.

And this is why I am not very good at speaking up when there is something wrong in one of my relationships. If I can sort it out on my own, because I was just being silly, why would I bother my partner?

Yeah, I'm _really_ not good at this relationship thing. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.

---

And when the going gets tough, I am presented with one option -to overwhelm myself in sensation.

Tense certain muscles past any reasonable point, shut my eyes tight, or stare meditatively into something lovely, or run and run until the body runs out of energy, or most used of all, drown my internal monologue in music.

I drown myself in music all the time. Hell, let's be honest here, it's one of the most useful coping mechanisms I currently have in order to fight bottom. I get sad, I pump on the Next to Normal, or s00j, or Vienna, or whatever else I've got, and I make the sad, if not go away, at least have to struggle past the noise to actually get to me.

It's a really really nice coping mechanism. It also means that I'm going to be deaf before I turn thirty.

My made up mind was not put here for you to try and change. Cheers, s00j.

---

But the best part of today is that I've hit upon two separate things that make me incredibly _incredibly_ happy.

The first is pretty logical. Giving Blood. Me donating a pint makes me both incredibly pleased with myself, and punchy as fuck due to the light-headedness. I am okay with this state of affairs, especially if it makes me unlazy enough to go give blood more often than the twice yearly I've been doing.

Speaking of which, I'm almost eligible again. Anyone want to go to the red cross with me this weekend?

---

I am amused by Hyde, protecting me from the ghosts that lurk for hours after I read anything creepytastic, no matter how far I remove myself from the immediate.

"Don't worry dear. There is nothing in this house as scary as I. Except maybe for you."

Oh, excellently played you delightful fucker.

y'all do know who Hyde is, right? He lives in my head and gives me not terribly good advice. Because I am, say it with me folks, a little bit broken.

---

I am, for the first time in my life, willingly sitting out while actively at dance.

I just...don't feel like dancing. I'd say maybe I'm tired, except I know I've danced in physically worse shape before --and that's not even counting on the sprained ankle!

No, I just can't cope with the idea of doing more dances tonight. There is apparently a point where the pain of dance overtakes the pleasure --I know, I didn't realize it could happen either. But there is, and I've finally hit it.

***

I don't want to sob in the middle of the dance hall, in the middle of a waltz. I don't know that I could explain why if I did. I do know that I don't ever want to have to. I hate crying, I hate the pain, and I hate people giving me sympathy, because I hate being weak enough to need other people.

All I want is to just be strong enough to survive independent of outside forces. Maybe that means I need to break up with everyone, not have outside forces that affect me any longer. GO LIVE IN A CAVE AND BE A HERMIT, SOR!

I am such a whiny cunt¹. It is beyond me why anyone at all gives a damn about me in the first place. :P

Cunt explained below. No, you don't get an explanation for the rest of it. But this is a pretty common mental path --emo -> yelling at myself for being emo.

---

Dog and I get along well, and that's really really important.

I need to remember that having friends who I can bitch about the odd parts of my life to are a really crucial thing for me to have. I also need to remember how much I appreciate having friends who will slap me down when I am using inappropriate language, or otherwise being an elitist jerk. (see also, Jesse glaring at me when I used bitch. I want to give him a cookie and a hug for that alone)

Dog is awesome. I really want to hang out with him more this fall, when I'm back in Boston.

---

(I don't know how to feel about the fact that I'm using Amanda right now for a little extra bit of stability. She is a fucking idiot. But her art, when it's good...

It's good. It's the best. Right now I am angry and hurt and sad and scared. And that is the perfect mood for listening to Amanda, because she will reinforce the parts that are okay to be reinforced, and she will eradicate the parts that need to just Go Away.

I use music to blank myself out. She's really really good at that.

Hate the artist, love the art? I don't even know anymore. It is so hard to be a good person sometimes.)

Can we have an Amandadebate-free space in my journal comments? I'd appreciate that.

Yes, this is all just because I handle arguments extremely poorly, and I can't freak out and walk four miles in this state.

---

I find it telling that I've had two boys in a row who were just for sex. And I'm in love with both of them.

Sex is a bit of a misnomer --I have what the Shakers² call an "unsullied cunt", which is apparently terribly valuable and should be protected at all costs. But boys who I am into with the kissing and such, and not the romantics. And...yeah. My traitor of a heart has started to sigh wistfully, and doodle our initials together on my school notebooks.

---

The emotion involved, this is more than sex. Sex is just endorphins and dopamine. Waltzing is...joy.

So, I almost just wrote "fucking _this_" as my author's note. Which means that I just tried to emphatically agree with something I wrote. So, uh, yeah, I'm a bit of an idiot.

---

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This is not a word that I should use. It's a slur, flat and simple, and I should not use it to refer to myself (which I do, occasionally), or any other woman (which I don't.)

That being said, there are a lot of things I call myself that no one else may touch, and yes, cunt is one of them. There's a hardness to it, all edges and corners and sharp, and in some moods, the words I feel that fit best are the words that fit this hardness.

2: See also, Shakesville here, and the specific origin of the term unsullied cunt here.

If I try to change the subject, that's because I don't want to talk about it.

One of my coping mechanisms --hell, my most used coping mechanism-- is to write. One line posts, quick rants, strings of curses...whatever. I fire it out, and a lot of the time, I don't bother to proofread or think much about it.

This is what twitter is for, after all. Letting people know the mood of that particular instant.

That particular instant. Moods don't last, and I've had more than a few awkward conversations because I let the walls down too low one night and hadn't found a way to hide that fact the following day.

The second most used coping mechanism is to mask. To find so many distractions, splatter myself across the internet, talk to so many people at once that I can't help but put on a happy face and pretend everything's alright. If I pretend enough, it can't help but become real.

However, masking takes a little bit of energy. It's a fragile goddamn process, and while I'm working on it, it's very very delicate. Trying to undistract me, pointing me back to whatever caused me to need to mask in the first place Just Doesn't Help.

So, why am I crying/upset/frustrated/hiding/etc? Because I'm in this shithole of suburbia. Because I'm sleeping alone at night. Because it's been x days since I've seen him or him and it doesn't fucking matter what number x is, it's too fucking high. Because I'm too introverted for this household, and I can't always have people nearby, and without people, I have to be by myself. Because when I'm by myself, I have to deal with myself, and in case my wildly zaphodic ego wasn't enough of a hint, I do not always or even often get along with who I really am.

Because I hate it here, and I can't escape. There *isn't* an escape here. I can go play on mein Das Nonstop-Programm¹ or climb my tree or do any one of another million things that will unthrill my mother and result in annoyed phone messages.

Because I hate it in my head, and without distraction, I *really* can't escape. Let me find my fucking distractions, okay? Or seriously, GTFO, because it doesn't help. Star-hugs-star only works so well, and it's really just well enough.

No. I don't want to talk about it.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Very obscure reference. Don't feel like explaining, figure out a way to search my journal or something, as I'm relatively sure I've reff'd it before.

Five.

Packing lists or todo lists or a narrative of what I got up to last night. Whatever. It'll all be a little bit gloomy right now.

Because it's too hot, and too muggy, and I'm leaving. More centrally, I *have* to pack, which is not exactly going very well right now, and I have to study my Italian which...well...yeah,

So, I'm currently working on the computer room. My books, my papers. Mostly because right now, the clothes? Totally overwhelming. Plus, I figure if I get everything out of here that's staying in Boston, I can start using this space for things that are going back to Maryland. Divide my world into careful pieces, or something equally trite.

It's interesting. Some days I can snap right out of it. Listen to the right song, have that meta-realization of "dear *gods* you're being pathetically emo right now, aren't you?" Some days...some days, it's harder.

She smiles as if to say
Whatever you want, whatever you want, whatever you want
Is fine by me.

Oh Vienna. It's not at all a happy song, is that why it makes me smile? Or is it just another case of me messing up and listening to the music instead of the words.

Ah, fuck this. Foster's right, classic rock is where it's at. Now, where the hell'd I put that Journey^{1, 2}...

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Did anyone wince at me calling Journey classic rock? :D
2: Actually, forget Journey. What I really want more of is some friggin' AQUA! It's like the Spice Girls only awesomer.

...Yes, I have no taste in music. We've been over this. Zigazig ha!

You know, if it wasn't for the dreams¹, I could've dealt with the rest of today.

Off to a class thing despite classes being over. Wonder where the hell my umbrella is.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Good dreams are often worse than bad dreams. Bad dreams, I wake up and realize I'm safe now. Good dreams, I wake up and realize I'm cold, and unheld, and whatever it was that happened...didn't. Which sucks.

Wrote a hella long, highly whiny, BtW entry in between taking notes during maths class. Knowledge gained (and somewhat expanded on here) is this:

( Read more... )

Yep. 'sall the emo you get for now.

~Sor
MOOP!

*I think it's second. I wrote out several of the rules, in an arbitrary numbering sense a couple days ago. The only ones I remember are the First Rule (Avoid Stupidity) and the Fourth Rule (Boys are the stupidest thing to fight over, so are girls) (This rule is actually starting to fall out of vogue, now that I'm past high school.) I'm pretty sure the eighth rule was that "If this is your first night at fight club, you have to fight."

"You are the most important person in your life" would be the first rule if Avoid Stupidity wasn't so strongly a part of my upbringing. (Although, if it's going by what was the first rule earliest, the first rule really ought to be "Do not touch mommy's desk")